InfinityBed guest David O’Callaghan, 23, a Carrigaline native, will be hanging by dawn.

David, aka Dave, is a temporary visitor at the InfinityBed. Yesterday, around 5 P.M. , Dave took it upon himself to venture into the basement of the Infinity Bed household, the permanent residence of 39 year old jobless bum, known as Mista Conn. When in the basement, Dave noticed a clicking noise and was able to trace the noise to a cricket. This cricket was in fact Mista Conn’s much beloved pet cricket, Jiminy Cricket.

Dave then proceeded to take out his cleaver and chop the crickets legs off. Once the cricket was limbless, Dave then raped the poor helpless cricket in an attempt to get revenge for the previous night when Dave claims that the cricket kept him awake all night. The following morning Dave can be put on record to have said, “mark my fucking words right now, that stupid cunt of a cricket is getting absolutely done tonight, in every sense of the word. I’m going to pile my load into that little pricks ass. Fuck the cricket and fuck the InifnityBed. I’m going rogue”.

We here at InfinityBed can only express our extreme disappointment with the entire situation.

We would like to take this opportunity to express our deepest sympathies for Jiminy, his wife Margaret, and his best friend, Conn. We would also like to ensure our patrons that we will not be altering our ‘all welcome’ booking policy, and look forward to more guests.

We are doing everything in our power to ensure Dave is brought to justice.

Over, but certainly not out.

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