Latest News

InfinityBed expand with new Infinity pool and Infinity Boat

It has been a very busy week at Infinity bed HQ. We have made two long term investments into sustainable amenities. The first being an infinity pool being 40ft in length, 12ft in girth. This pool is heated to a crisp 28 degrees and has an impressive lighting system (at night). It is completely chlorine free to support our bid to be completely self sustainable by 2050, it also means you can open your eyes underwater. It will be used for corporate events and beer pong with a strict black tie dress code.IMG_1904 Transport from the Infinity bed to our infinity pool will be provided on our new Infinity Boat. It is with great honour we announce the first addition to our new Infinity Armada. This boat being a 107ft Superyacht previously known as Sunleigh.IMG_2001 Designed in the Netherlands by Jongert boats at their Medemblik boatyard this boat is one of the most exciting and sophisticated yachts ever built. This boat will be based on the quay off Infinity bed HQ before it returns to Ireland in the fall to compete in the IUSA team racing schedule for the year.

On another note, it is with great regret that we must announce the departure of Ellen from the bed. Ellen has been a permanent fixture in the bed from the beginning, and is leaving to pursue a different career path. We wish her all the best in future endeavours.IMG_1996

Advertisements

InfinityBed to be completely self-sustainable by 2050

Sustainability, emissions and pie chart expert Robbie English will work with InfinityBed starting as of July 9th 2017.

19893690_1958178577541021_1222130234_o

After visiting InfinityBed HQ, English (old man) became inspired by the charitable work InfinityBed does and its mission. English agreed to do his work pro bono, “I’ve never done pro bono work before but I’ve done a lot of pro boner work”.  The Crosshaven native has promised to put his entire heart into InfinityBed and everything that it stands for. English, a Busch Lite enthusiast and two time golden can holder, knows the in’s and out’s of weird shit and so we believe he will be an equivalent addition as to when Eric Djemba Djemba signed for Manchester United. Not only is British an experienced pie chart maker but he has also had his fair share of apple pies with a tiny bit of cream on the side, but not too much cream, not as much cream as you would put in an industrial sized bucket that someone had told you to fill half way to the top with cream. On the subject of cream, we here at InfinityBed cannot understand why people would buy stale whipper cream in the supermarket, please just check the sell by date. Welcome Robbie. This is InfinityBed, This is revolution.

New arrival at infinity bed HQ

The 25-year-old Lamp agreed a long-term contract with the InfinityBed on Thursday after completing a medical.

lamp

Speaking to InfinityBed.com after the move was sealed, the Lamp said: “I’m very excited to be here. I’m very happy.

“I will give 100 per cent and give everything for the bed. I really want to win something for this bed.

“We have a great team and very good players. I was watching the games last year and everyone was giving 100 per cent to win something.

“Everyone can see the coach gives everything. I hope to see that together we can give everything to win something for the bed, for the supporters and for us.”

The Egyptian Lamp, who has also previously represented rooms in Basel, Chelsea and Florence, has been capped on 52 occasions by his country since 2011, scoring 29 goals in that time.

Sustainability Update For The Infinity Bed

2017-08-09

Robbie English, our Sustainability Officer, has compiled his report for the past few weeks.

“I have your chart all completed. Allow me to explain what it is telling us. Our sustainable progress is coming along nicely at a rate of 69%. Things are moving quickly! Most of this is due to the process of sharing blankets, pillows and the cuddling (which cuts down on the heating emissions). There are some negative numbers too unfortunately. Our methane footprint is coming in at 6%, due to our clients passing wind in such a concentrated area in the bed, although things like these are at times unavoidable. The good news is I don’t see it getting any higher, unless someone shits the bed, then we will have a problem on our hands. I think we should put a contingency plan in place for this situation. We also have a large plastic waste footprint coming in at 20%. This is due to the large amount of condoms being used on the premises. Although this is quite large (like the condoms am I right!?) we should also see the positive side of this as we are clearly champions in the art of safe sex, which we 100% condone. On the plus side we also have a healthy sprinkling of Ios, which is reading at 5%.”

We are very happy

 

InfinityBed guest commits pre-meditated rape-murder in broad daylight!

InfinityBed guest David O’Callaghan, 23, a Carrigaline native, will be hanging by dawn.

David, aka Dave, is a temporary visitor at the InfinityBed. Yesterday, around 5 P.M. , Dave took it upon himself to venture into the basement of the Infinity Bed household, the permanent residence of 39 year old jobless bum, known as Mista Conn. When in the basement, Dave noticed a clicking noise and was able to trace the noise to a cricket. This cricket was in fact Mista Conn’s much beloved pet cricket, Jiminy Cricket.

Dave then proceeded to take out his cleaver and chop the crickets legs off. Once the cricket was limbless, Dave then raped the poor helpless cricket in an attempt to get revenge for the previous night when Dave claims that the cricket kept him awake all night. The following morning Dave can be put on record to have said, “mark my fucking words right now, that stupid cunt of a cricket is getting absolutely done tonight, in every sense of the word. I’m going to pile my load into that little pricks ass. Fuck the cricket and fuck the InifnityBed. I’m going rogue”.

We here at InfinityBed can only express our extreme disappointment with the entire situation.

We would like to take this opportunity to express our deepest sympathies for Jiminy, his wife Margaret, and his best friend, Conn. We would also like to ensure our patrons that we will not be altering our ‘all welcome’ booking policy, and look forward to more guests.

We are doing everything in our power to ensure Dave is brought to justice.

Over, but certainly not out.

Hogan hangs at dawn

Patrick Hogan, 21, was found guilty of being a swift Ios wakeass after intentionally missing a social security appointment in order to spend an evening with his beloved girlfriend Snoopy Waldron. In a similar situation to Hyannisgate, where Aodh Kennedy infamously snuck off to Hyannis 2016, Hogan concocted a much more elegant plan to see Sloppy Wheeltoe. Hogans scheme involved a day off work, three unaware accomplices to bring down the price of the trip and a breakdown outside the social security office in Newport, RI. Salty Welltit claimed she had a beautiful evening but refused to comment further.

It has been a difficult few days for the InfinityBed committee, with Hogan being the second member to be executed after Aodh Kennedy on Monday.